1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them
to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far,
and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes.
Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of
laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny
anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read
without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how
great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to
surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall
off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your
roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a
lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look
at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster
in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain
that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate
suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going
away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If
your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell
him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go
to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on
the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying
gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about
it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it.
Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you
again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and
then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them,
"Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another
can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them,
smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then
wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with
you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to
your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the
day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't
obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate
owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe
with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix"
them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate
Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with
a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump
into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's
that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not
wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
